suicide, an old joke
blem vide
This is a transcription of an experimental audio tape blem vide made a few years ago when he was newly new age & not yet legally employed or paid for his social service.
The experiment consisted of blem vide's vague energy, a small taperecorder & absolutely no preconceived idea of what an art tape should sound like. Whether the resultant tape is art or not is irrelevent and of course is art. Whether art is art or not is a boring old chore and should remind the reader of suicide.
The core joke of the "suicide" tape was a verbal theme about "august step dehydrate" and how that tied-in with nitrous oxide & the "rain talcum mechanics of not getting your hands dirty."
The tape, in my view, is an effective litmus test for the psychology of both myself & anyone subjected to blem vide's audio work. Blem vide has transcribed the surviving audio and commented "the 20-minute tape is audibly & aesthetically distorted, it's funny to me, much ado about nothing probably."
H.D. Davis
Editor The Lord's Daily Shuffle
The Tape--------
1.
[first sound you hear is a taperecorder clicking on. then a frothy rumble that cuts to machinery noise and a nearby stranger asking an imperfect joke or two]
click
hey! i'm lookin
for tha guy who shot my paw....
....do you know what an elephant uses for a tampon?
a lamb
[sound of air being sucked like money. a microphone rubs against a phonecall.]
good morning sunshine
early in fervor
i ask a favor
i hope you can deliver
ha, choose yes.
it's a virus, maybe some kind of illness.
a rope of whisper between seedy and that bowl.
continually still.
mister foster, lobster.
sixteen bridesmaids in the closet.
sixteen modes of mars august step dehydrate.
nerves spin art.
forming a grand jury when town locals bib kabob.
are you sure? cause it.
august step noise legures.
sixteen awnings forming a grand jury. just to be sure.
hare krishna conceived that little voice.
what the hell is that? you know.
[coughing]
hey!
who ever gave you permission to laugh?
[whirring - seven bubble percentages
spliced to plant face]
...no, that would survive if you lose them right in the head.
very few people fuckin live.
metaphysics for sale! for sale! orgasm donor, owner!
held on high regard it's not hard to fly without wings!
but it's cartoons to skip egypy babe!
2.
[lost wallet - andromeda bubble percentages, my first simplistic ballet]
do you promise?
do i promise?
yeah.
well what do you think?
you hope i play this?
adam? adam?
does that sound familiar?
adam? adam?
does that sound familiar?
did you call me a fungi?
yes, you're a funny guy.
you're too kind to me
adam you got your protest last time adam
adam you got your protest last time adam
iguana week adam
iguana week adam
huh?
you know the rules adam
iguana week
twisting an adam
twisting an adam
adam clip kiss
you won adam
oh thank you
i love you
i love you too
bye
bye
3.
[world harp harp harp, a world away for less than minimum wage]
of course you start to mouth...
of course you start to mouth...
quick quiz:
don't be a square, hang a louie?
did anyone ever tell you you're useless?
when was the last time you were
knocked unconscious?
within a basic red square?
keep raining run out?
from yoyo mops to telephone tops
good morning sunshine
early in fervor
i ask a favor
i hope you can deliver
yeah!
panels, no. whoa. D chord.
funnel drums to third intro.
i like the way the tape plays
before it records.
[clearing of the throat]
perfectly natural
breaking my fever
play a little sadness
over our faces
to hush our fav...
(bad coughing jag)
[the throat is clear]
4.
[static laughs: competing for an open-palm AM Radio rhythm on the hood of a '78 monte carlo]
suicide is not funny. suicide is not funny.
suicide is not something to joke about.
you should not joke about suicide.
suicide is not funny.
of all the things that make me laugh,
suicide is not one of them.
if you hear a funny joke, chances are
it's not about suicide.
you could kill yourself quite easily
with a small handgun.
(baby, i want you to show me the way)
if you commited suicide it would not be funny.
(i want you day after day)
suicide is for weak minded.
one thing that is not funny is suicide.
you are pathetic. weak minded.
you are weak minded & suicidal.
(baby, i want you to show me the way)
suicide is for the weak minded.
(i want you day after day)
no, you're not just paranoid
or imaging things.
people really are watching you
and mocking you
and making fun of you.
weak minded. you want
to smile, don't you?
after all, it's all laws or swimsuits.
[cue belly laughter]
okay, i'll get serious now.
sacrifice. a bright sunny day.
sacrifice. iced tea. get a good job.
in lieu of four words. i can help you.
identify. sacrifice. kill. yourself.
not killing just anyone. you.
kill, yourself. stop drinking
my water. die. go away.
good morning sunshine
early in fervor
i ask a favor
i hope you can deliver
how do you know that you
are you?
how could you possibly know
that you know?
you can be instantly dead.
a life strategy for sale by owner.
top hat, cabbage hands.
you don't exist.
suicide is not funny.
suicide is not something you
should joke about,
unless you're serious.
suicide wouldn't be funny, per se.
cadallics are funny though.
just plain old cadillacs.
no goddamn cadillac modifiers.
[i also remember recording cellophane firecrackers on my handheld womb,
but it wasn't really all that much fun]
you are very easily influenced by new jersey.
that little voice telling you. love yourself.
love yourself.
(belch)
kill yourself.
you're your own enemy.
love your enemy.
kill yourself.
most people hate you,
god especially.
keep your chin up, idiot.
[that was a public service announcement]
5.
[this is the part of the tape without a later bracketed intro]
are you thirsty?
got any to roll?
i know what you can roll - your window up!
just cruise cuz i gotta roll this up
then we gotta smoke it
[suggestions duly noted]
greek sandwich, in parenthesis.
heroin, in paranthesis.
gap jeans, in parenthesis.
a job interview, in parenthesis.
parenthesis J., in parenthesis.
it's fun and just right for you.
you're special. overdose.
needles. veins. overdose.
those aren't my pants.
now what, misanthrope?
i'll tell you won't dig from a coma.
6.
[the tune of an economy wig]
a working economy is a sure wig to field in newspeak,
dome karma i told you yesterday. the price of a mud
tunnel students non-profit elbow of america. i stand
beside you and congratulate you to attract a strong
labor market. it is in my spine to support an entire
generation of political activists toward a meteor shower.
as i pass this note hand to hand, please remember i
am. and the next time you see a scientist in a police
uniform issue gratis, weep.how many layers of private
jokes can i leave out? as it will always be safe
to produce a terminology of many careers. believe in
what you feel is underlying your bare feet. walk into
a big gimmick of wars and napalm bombs, centuries.
hair bibles split, i'm tired. isn't it a fitting tribute to
the work busting backs of men and women and children.
i enlighten to what you are. and i may never find my hand again.
hey fuck you
hows your highball?
nice to see you.
yeah. have a day.
alright, cute frisbee
let's talk by the train platform, under my underwear.
did you know my name is "infidel?"
oonisms. isms. croak. keys. isms.
ah, grease generator. astro morgasm.
7.
[the only commercial, apparently i opened a can of funny]
you've been acting kind of weird.
do you have feelings of guilt?
isolation? hopelessness?
have you been hearing voices?
of course not.
been hearing voices?
of course not.
been hearing these voices.
no, of course not.
you're crazy.
but are you?
a gimmick?
been hearing these voices.
you're not the real you.
been telling you to.
what you may believe to be you.
what you think. whispering.
of course, it's your imagination.
this is only part one. rejoice.
you're confused.
i recall this was a bit of a rush.
it totally occured to me, apparantly still.
just a corner few left.
....yeah, on thermal drive. about 60 hours a week.
a glow you fuse your eye, catch.
i can't bitter spill, so.
see ya later 1996.
i've been coughing up blood.
where've ya been?
coughing up blood.
quaff these blood stains.
handsome idle idol.
moat flares.
these blood.
does been hiding.
dust bin. blood.
teach king cater.
wine kings. blood.
i've been coughing up blood.
where but?
coughing up blood.
[ill-sounding coughs added for effect]
that was my integrity on the floor.
you already walked over it.
no, just forget it.
it's too late for me to plan
on entertaining you
the "right" way
constantly.
deep pockets for my
secret warehouse keys.
jingling.
8.
[a snap of one-way conversation from a news media
office intern, issued as a misnomer]
no, i'm just gonna toss this tape into a box full of
older tapes when i'm done, and quickly get rid of the box
probably to goodwill or salvation army. you won't tell
the girls i was joking about coughing up blood & suicide
skits will you? cuz they don't find that stuff very attractive
and neither do i, see. hey i'm bored, let's go driving around
with balloons & aqua tanks. i'm too tired for regular sitting
around i'm uncomfortable.
9.
[tape ends, sounds much like a tape ending]
click
blem vide ©2003
