writethis

i can't afford the hooker

j. tyler blue

THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER, BUT A BEGINNING

"Pussy! Jes, dat es vhat I vant! Vight dere, hold dat pohze." Vlicktenstein-Von Humbleburg instructed his subject with the precision of a neurosurgeon high on amphetamines and drunk with caffeine.

"Now, jou silly pussy, give me vhat you got. Jes, purr jou pussy, purr purr purr. Smile fer me, jur very oun vitch doctor of luve." Vlicktenstein-Von Humbleburg continued, goading his subject to his bidding. He was a master.

Despite his obvious success Neil the cameraman had trouble containing his laughter. His was tickled pink with Vlicktenstein-Von Humbleburg's insistence to call Vikki pussy. She was a bitch, as anyone could plainly see, calling her pussy just didn't seem right. However her owners didn't seem to mind.

Some single stream of snot shot straight from Neil's large French nose right onto the Peruvian's face during one later episode of pussy calling. Pepe Vlicktenstein-Von Humbleburg was furious.

I remember laughing loudly at this. But in doing so I gave away my hidden position in the balcony and had to out run the security guards. I gave them the slip. It was purple and had a certain smell they found fascinating. I watched them place the slip up to their nose several times before I grew bored and walked away, heading towards my favorite fake Mexican eatery, Chi-chi's.

THIS MIGHT BE GETTING BETTER BUT PROBABLY ISN'T

(ALSO KNOWN AS CHAPTER 2, AND, ICKY ICKY FOOM SNICKY, ALTERNATIVELY ON THE BLACK MARKET)

"Do you believe in God?" She asked as if I wanted to be asked.

"Sure" I said as I thought to myself: I also believe those tits would feel great in my mouth. I didn't say that of course; as I never say anything that may potentially actually get some tits in my mouth.

"Well, do you believe He is all powerful?" She continued.

"I am sure of it" I was wondering why wasn't she taking my order.

"You also believe He is the only God." She was getting excited now. Leaning forward and staring at me. I think I saw her starting to froth.

"Why..uh...yes, of course." I stated...more unsure, but unsure why I was unsure.

"Then you are saying God is evil!" She exclaimed. Her green eyes blazed with some sort of fury of victory. I wasn't aware of a competition, but I felt as though I just lost.

"What? No, He is good. The Devil is evil" I stated, sort of sure that this is something my mother would have liked me to say.

"Oh, please. You just said there is only one deity. One God and He is all powerful. Would you not say that to be all powerful one would have to HAVE the power to do EVIL, and to be the ONE deity one would have to BE EVIL." Her argument was starting to baffle me.

"Well....uh....who is good then?" I was confused and hungry, and my mom never prepared me for this kind of woman. I wanted to yell at her like Pepe. I wanted to call her "Pussy!" and be done with it.

"God is! Haven't you been paying attention. He is all-powerful, He is good and evil, He is the one deity, the one thing that is past, present and future. He is All." She was so confident, so strong. I felt so weak. I wanted a beer to have more courage.

"Oh, uh....well....I see there is no other way then about it." I thought an Englishman might say something like that, so I said it. Hoping that maybe I would sound more dignified than I was.

"Uh, can I have a beer?"

"No. I think you need a Margarita. What flavor? Never mind, I will just get you one." She then walked off.

I could see this is a woman I could have by letting her control me. I could in a sense control her by letting her control me. Then when I got sick of it, I would be more independent, and she would 'dump' me. Yes, this was a perfect plan.

I looked up to the TV screen. It was Sportscenter. A man's dream show, minus the naked playmates of course.

Dut da dut dut dut dut da da dut dut dut dut da da dut dut dut dut da da dut dut dut dut da

WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

A serious looking man was now on the television speaking in a very serious manner. I thought I should listen at least until my alcoholic drink came.

THIS IS A GOOD AS ANY FOR ANOTHER MINDLESS PSEUDO CHAPTER ANNOUNCEMENT (CHINESE TRANSLATED TO : XING PING DO WING)

"A group of people known as the Communist Unified National Team has marched into the Senate today demanding that the US Military reduce its size and more money be diverted from Stem Cell research to go to Title IX programs at Universities instead."

Hmm...a bunch of CUNTs have taken over the Senate. I looked to my right to discuss this with another bar patriot, but he was an old toothless man drinking Budweiser from a can. Scared, I turned to my left to find a young man in a black turtleneck cheering the news and singing some song I never heard before...

"LET'S SQUARE THE CIRCLE

LET'S FREE THE SQUIRRELS

ALL WE HAVE TO DO

IS HOLD ENOUGH HANDS

I SAID ALL WE HAVE TO DO

IS RECLYCLE OUR CANS"

Intrigued but bored. I left. I never did get my drink.

THIS IS THE NEXT PART

I saw a sign for free diseases, so I went to check it out. There was a long line of people who smelled bad and a few in wheelchairs. I figured this is the place for me because I ran out of political steam back in the 80's, so a new disease might help resurrect my once promising karaoke career.

"What disease do you want?"

"Uh, I just want to be saved." I mumbled.

"I said, What DISEASE do you want. If ya want to be saved go down to Baltimore Street and go see damn hooker. She'll save ya." He was very New York. I respected that.

"Well, do you have any IBS?"

"Irritable Bowl Syndrome? No fresh out, you just missed our last one. But here, have this, it's called Dialectaria" I found myself liking him very much.

"What is it? What does it do?" I asked like a small child.

"It's just like IBS except shit comes out your mouth. Many politicians and writers get it. Now take it and get the fuck outa here."

I smiled and for the first time, felt like I belonged.

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